Wednesday, September 23, 2015

What Should I Say? How do I say it? Help me!

I know I don't post enough and I am going to try and change that. My life has just been a mess as of late. What I if I should tell you my friends, the WHOLE story. If I did write it all, and tell you hwo I ended up in the condition I am now, how would I write it. Do I just start when things go all to hell in 2008 or so? Or do I go back..... tell how I was raised, of the Great Man who took the place of my father, how he tried to shape me, about the Evil Witch that served and my granny. Do I tel of how he used to keep me with him , doing the work he was doing, letting me help, showing me how things work, I never realized it at the time, but later my mind told me the truth. He wasn't just keeping me with him because i was wonderful company..... NO NO NO He was keeping me away from her. Because he KNEW how she was. She beat her children, one uncle of mine took a beating for eating a hotdog that a neighbor gave him while he was at a cookout. Papaw knew that with my hyper lil self I would get whipped and whipped A LOT.
He was right of course, he did his best but of course I came under the gaze of the Witch too. My legs where tiger striped at least a couple times a week, and the blood ran from me almost weekly.
My life has been a Comedy of Illusions.
And I do not know how to write such things. I find when I do I end up skipping around telling this story or that story out of order but relevant to the current point I would be making. What do you think??? SHOULD I DO IT. Dive in and start a series that will be my TRUE , one and only autobiography. Saved on a blog page, instead of paper and pen .....
I want to talk to you all ....... I want to tell my story. Even if nobody is listening.
Maybe I could do it as a webcast. If I had enough readers to send questions I could answer them on a video.
There are a lot of options, but mark this dear reader, I WILL tell my story. And you will see me for what I am . Simply A man. For all I have endured, If I died tomorrow, all I will be , is just another man. One of billions. BUT MAYBE, just maybe, my words will reach someone, ONE person, that's all, if I say something that helps one person I have done more in my life for that man than i can even do for myself. Living with Manic depression has made my life a ship going from rough to calm, clam to rough waters on an endless voyage. I can tell you stories of Doctors who didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, one tried to even give me prozac......something HORRIBLE for manic depressions because its known to bring on manic states in bi polar people.
I just want to write....... but I know not what to put down. BUT I GUARANTEE THIS I will tell my story one way or another. and you will see how to create a monster. Not a great beast , tearing things down and killing all who pass by. No this is a hunchbacked, mongrel man of a servant, If you have ever played Dungeons and Dragons then you know what I mean. They are a group who are cursed with features from all over. They may have a lobster claw, a arm like an ogre, a head like a pig, legs small and bent backwards from some unknown beast. But all these pieces, all these opposing things make up one individual.
I take my life in that way because each period is so different than the last its adapt or die here. And the one thing I may be good at , I can adapt. I can live anywhere. And I have lived in some hard places. But would anyone even want to hear about it???
Ohhhhh how I wish I could get every person who has read my posts and tell them mystery in person. But I shall do it here. I will make many mad if they ever knew, but most of them do not read much so my worries aren't to high. Family secrets are a weird thing, they are usually horrible things that the family just white washes then tries to forget and hide. And I am going to tell those thing.
I may not be a popular man when I get done.

I don't feel that I will live to be an old man. Its just not in me to be elderly, so I will tell it all I suppose. I love you readers, and I hope you stick with me threw this convoluted story that in the end equals A MAN.

Until next time, stay true to yourself, and since I don't pray, feel free to pray for me. Heyit could never hurt, hedge your bets right???